Love, the driving force: a journey of discernment

Chronicling my formation with the Loretto Sisters (IBVM)

How did I get here? (Part 1)

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This is a question that has a long answer. The short answer is most definitely: God has called me here. But how do I know that God has called me here? How does anyone know what God is calling them to do? Well, I can’t answer for everyone, but I can answer for myself. It has taken a long time to get to this place (hence, this story will be covered over the course a few posts – prepare yourself!). In fact, it has taken me 9 years to reach this point.

Although I have been a practicing Catholic all of my life, I would never have classified myself as particularly religious. Growing up in Calgary, I attended Mass with my family, went to Catholic schools, and volunteered at my parish here and there, but my faith was not something I advertised or made public. I always felt slightly self-conscious about it. I certainly never would have considered a vocation to religious life – I didn’t even know any nuns! However, in 2003, my mom passed away after a long illness. Faced with questions, doubt, and grief, I turned to God for answers and comfort. It was at that point that my relationship with God matured and I began to pray with greater intent and purpose, seeking direction in my life – what should I do? What kind of career should I have? Where should I live?

After a year of feeling lost and confused, I felt God leading me to Ottawa in 2004 to pursue graduate studies. I felt right at home in Ottawa and quickly found a wonderful community of friends. I joined my neighbourhood parish and was welcomed immediately. My faith life was nourished there and unexpected things began to happen!

I first felt God’s nudge towards religious life in 2005, when I was watching the funeral of St. John Paul II on television. At one point there was shot of St. Peter’s square and I saw all of the men and women religious gathered there. I felt this longing in my heart and I thought to myself, I wonder if I could do that. Of course at the time, I didn’t recognize this a call from God. I just thought I was getting a bit emotional. It was only months later when a friend and I were talking, and she asked me if I had ever thought about religious life. I said, “No. Well, maybe.” I told her about what had happened but that I didn’t think that was how God called people. It felt far too subtle. Don’t most people become nuns or priests after some major supernatural event? Don’t the heavens open up and there are visions of angels and flashes of lightning?

john-paul-ii-beatification-fafa9f32e0113b2b

JPII Funeral 2005

However, my small experience seemed to be good enough for my friend. She pushed me to check out religious communities in Ottawa. I thought, No way. I’m in the middle of a masters degree. When I’m done I’m getting a job with the government. I’m pretty sure God wants me to have a stable job, a good pension, and probably one day to become a Deputy Minister. I pushed the thought away.

 

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